Author Topic: A few words: Kell Hounds story  (Read 5771 times)

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Offline (TLL)KitLightning

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #15 on: February 07, 2009, 06:54:20 PM »
I'm a little confused

... are you asking if I would ever consider posting it for what?

A more appreciated exposure. Not sure this site is visited by nearly as many RPG fans as NBT (ones was). Or CBT still is.

The origin is my own, I have written the material.

That I am not in doubt of :D

I'm working on chapter 4 right now actually.

Looking forward to it ;)
   

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Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #16 on: February 07, 2009, 07:22:10 PM »
Quote
A more appreciated exposure. Not sure this site is visited by nearly as many RPG fans as NBT (ones was). Or CBT still is.

Ah I'm following now haha. I was a little confused, :) . I post my chapters/story at www.overclock.net, we have had a MW:LL thread going for some time and I have received good thoughts and applause there. I guess I could branch out, but I do not know what kind of quality people would want outside of a battletech forum you know?

Quote
Looking forward to it Wink

Anything you have read that needs work or seems out of place? I have an idea where I want to take this story, but I'm always open to ideas so fire away if you have one.

Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #17 on: February 07, 2009, 10:27:51 PM »
Quote
A more appreciated exposure. Not sure this site is visited by nearly as many RPG fans as NBT (ones was). Or CBT still is.

I was out doing my daily run and was thinking about what you had mentioned. Do you'll think I should post elsewhere for exposure, would my work been 'quality' enough or be torn apart? haha Thanks.

Offline (TLL)KitLightning

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #18 on: February 08, 2009, 02:11:09 AM »
Quote
A more appreciated exposure. Not sure this site is visited by nearly as many RPG fans as NBT (ones was). Or CBT still is.

I was out doing my daily run and was thinking about what you had mentioned. Do you'll think I should post elsewhere for exposure, would my work been 'quality' enough or be torn apart? haha Thanks.

It´s always good to have more opinions to ones work, regardless of what the feedback may be. I never tire of getting critique on my art pieces. I would rather have people saying that parts of my work is sloppy than being praised to the sky constantly. I can use the critique constructively to become better on a specific part, but praises and such merely tends to stop the artist from wanting to develop and find more suitable paths to reach the goal, i.e. satisfying the majority of the audience if not therm all if possible.
   

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Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #19 on: February 08, 2009, 08:13:49 AM »
Quote
A more appreciated exposure. Not sure this site is visited by nearly as many RPG fans as NBT (ones was). Or CBT still is.

I was out doing my daily run and was thinking about what you had mentioned. Do you'll think I should post elsewhere for exposure, would my work been 'quality' enough or be torn apart? haha Thanks.

It´s always good to have more opinions to ones work, regardless of what the feedback may be. I never tire of getting critique on my art pieces. I would rather have people saying that parts of my work is sloppy than being praised to the sky constantly. I can use the critique constructively to become better on a specific part, but praises and such merely tends to stop the artist from wanting to develop and find more suitable paths to reach the goal, i.e. satisfying the majority of the audience if not therm all if possible.

This is true, thanks for your insight. I like to ask around here too because for the most part, the majority in general, know's what battlemechs, weps, etc... are. Though I have had a friend or two read what I have so far and they followed. They knew 'Morgan Kell' was important, maybe not the history behind the name but knew it was a big loss. I got some major studying to do tomorrow for Tuesday exams, but I'll try and get chapter 4 done soon!!

Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #20 on: February 09, 2009, 08:20:14 AM »
I worked on this tonight and finished it off. I will go through it tomorrow and make sure there are no errors here or there *it is late and I tend to miss things like that when tired*. So here is chapter 4, in which it a surprise is unveiled. Hope you all enjoy, please leave comments and constructive criticism.

Chapter 4

Planet: Arc Royal ~ Arc Royal Defense Cordon
3067 April 17th

Colonel Scott closed the door and made his way toward his desk. 'Well it seems he is handling it better than I thought,' Scott said to himself as he watched Phelan hang his overcoat on his chair. “How is your mother?” Scott asked in a somber tone.

“I think she is taking it the hardest out of the whole family to be honest sir. You know as well as I that she took the responsibility of taking care of him for these past few weeks. Which by the way I was against from the beginning with her heart issues.” He is trying not to show how much strain this has put on him Scott concluded. Phelan's composure was to any eye as solid as ever, but Scott knew better. Only the slightest of a slump in his shoulders and that slight grim line from his smile gave any clue to the tragedy.

Scott remembered how horrible his mother had looked at the burial ceremony this afternoon. It seemed to have aged her years ahead of her time,  no doubt this was something that had taken the whole family by surprise. It was a beautiful afternoon, the winter storm had passed but the overcast sky still gave way to the light snow fall. Rank upon rank of Kell Hound warriors and members standing at rigid attention. Along side stood the Wolves in Exile Clan formations flanking that of the Hounds. Khan Phelan Kell was amongst his family members on the podium, clad in the formal Wolf attire of leathers and fur.

“Rightly so, she needs to rest now and let the healing process take hold of herself. Make sure you give her all the support she needs, losing a loved one is one thing but to lose your last remaining brother will take some time.” Phelan nodded he understood fully. “Your speech was breathtaking as well, we all know how close you where to Morgan. You did justice to his namesake today Phelan, and to the Hounds as well.” Scott noticed the slight grin tugging at Phelan's lips. “Don't go worring yourself anymore with this mess, your uncle would not want you letting such thoughts messing with your performance on duty.”

“I know that sir. I have been keeping busy since Captain Kerskay came to me yesterday. The Captain told me to make sure my lance was in tip-top shape, though he didn't tell me what for exactly. You know what's going on sir?” Phelan asked in a down to business manner.

“Right to the point aren't you corporal?” Scott waved toward the whiskey cabinet, “would you care for anything before we begin?” Phelan began to wave his hand and Scott interjected, “it is going to be awhile corporal, I insist.”

“Don't suppose you have any of Seargent Tigger's whiskey do you sir?” Phelan watched the Colonel pull out a half empty bottle and poor two glasses. At that moment a knock resounded at the door, Scott turned opened it and welcomed in Captain Kerskay.

“Starting without me sir?”, Kerskay said playfully.

“I was beginning to wonder if you got my message. Care for a glass?” With a nod of approval the Colonel poured a third glass and handed it to each of the men. Sitting down again at his desk, Colonel Scott pushed the intercom for his assistant.

“Yes sir?” crackled the Lieutenant at the front desk.

“Lieutenant, are all affairs and meetings done for today?” Asked the Colonel while he sipped his whiskey.

“Yes sir everything on the schedule is done. I do have some reports for your attention that have came in today, would you care for those sir?” The intercom went silent.

“No, send them to my desk. I will get at them in the morning. Please hold all my calls unless an emergency. I have some things to attend to, if all your paper work is in order you may take the rest of the day off.” Phelan watched the Colonel, something was up that mans sleeves. 'A slight shiver ran up his spine, this has something to do with my uncle I know it,' he thought while he watched Kerskay fill up his glass and the others.

“Roger sir, I will send these reports up asap. Do you need an aid on standby sir?” It sounded as though the Lieutenant was not used to these types of occasions either.

“Just make sure the duty on hand knows to hold the calls. Lieutenant, one more question and you'll be standing duty!” Scott laughed, “Now go see your wife, she is due in a few weeks. That will be all.”

Intercom silent the Colonel turned toward Phelan. “No more of this 'Colonel' or 'sir' tonight son. We have much to cover and it would be a shame to let trivial things get in the way of such delicious whiskey, isn't that right Kerskay?”

“This is true Phelan, we all know your uncle would not let such a fine thing go to waste would he now?” Phelan knew that too be true, the old man loved his whiskey. Giving in, he handed out his glass to Kerskay. “That'a boy, try not to keep up with Scott over there. He is a fish, and guess who he learned to drink from?” They all laughed at that, the stories of Morgan and whiskey were that of legends amongst the Hounds.

“Ok gents, time for me to get to business.” Scott winked at Phelan, “you need to know a few things first.” Scott turned around and hit a small button on the wall, in response a hologram of the Arc Royal Defense Cordon came to life in front of their eyes with adjacent territories. Above stood the ominous presence of the Falcons, and below and surrounding was that of the Lyran Alliance. “We have been busy with plans Morgan had set into action before and after he was ill. We have had reports of the Falcons moving around troops in the bordering planets. There are only a few intel reports on why such actions are being taken, but nothing solid at first.” Scott, using the keypad highlighted the planet  Graus. “As of April 7th, we had landed a small armored reconnaissance team on the planet of Graus. All the intel we have received so far, points toward a particular Star Colonel Ticus who has recently been assigned to this region.”

Pressing another button the hologram showed the planet and what information was known. “We knew the Falcons are up to something, so the team sent there was to retrieve intelligence and report back every three days.” Scott's voice trailed off.

Taking the moment Kerskay jumped in, “We received the first report on the 10th, which reported a large amount of combat elements being readied and loaded onto dropships. One of the team members was able to hack into the Falcons database and find out that the Star Colonel has orders to prepare for an assault on the bordering Wolf territory. It would seem the hostilities has again ignited between the two.”

Phelan was confused, “so what are we concerned with Kerskay? If they are attacking the Wolves let them bash each other to armageddon.” Feeling a heat rise up his chest Phelan put down his glass.

Laughing lightly, “told you not to try and stay with us bud, if Scott is a fish, I'm a shark.”

Scott took the conversation in hand. “Phelan it isn't that intel that grabbed our attention. The team leader reported they had ran across some other information that was vital, and of extreme importance for the Kell family.”

Again the tingling crawled up his spine. Phelan sat up straight in his chair and leaned forward, “what do you mean by that?”

“That is why we called you here. Reports indicates that your father is being held in the detention center on the planet.” Phelan caught the glance from Kerskay. 'My father, how could this be. He died before I was born.' Standing quickly he turned toward the window overlooking the parade grounds. The moon had broke through the clouds, casting its blue highlighting over everything. Phelan turned around, "so what now sir?"
« Last Edit: February 09, 2009, 08:37:09 AM by PhelanJaimeKell »

Offline (TLL)KitLightning

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #21 on: February 09, 2009, 06:01:26 PM »
;D nice layout of the story. I like how it very slowly gets to the punch, i.e. the last paragraf. Also the gradual build up of the personalities is great.

Laughing lightly, “told you not to try and stay with us bud, if Scott is a fish, I'm a shark.”

I like this part too. It shows the age difference between the person´, in a nice humorous way.
   

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Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2009, 08:02:02 PM »
;D nice layout of the story. I like how it very slowly gets to the punch, i.e. the last paragraf. Also the gradual build up of the personalities is great.

Laughing lightly, “told you not to try and stay with us bud, if Scott is a fish, I'm a shark.”

I like this part too. It shows the age difference between the person´, in a nice humorous way.

Yeah I like that fish/shark part too, catches the moment between the ages. I will be getting to the action where things will be getting messy.

I also made some adjustments too the end of the chapter. Some of the guys at the other forum pointed out it didn't seem right. So here is the revamped ending:


“That is why we called you here. Reports indicates that your father is being held in the detention center on the planet.” Phelan caught the glance from Kerskay. 'My father, how could this be. He died in the invasion.'

Standing abruptly Phelan made his way to the window overlooking the parade grounds. The moon had finally made an appearance tonight; covering the entire planet in a blue hue of beauty. Snow mounds took on the forms of rolling hills as far as the eye could see. 'You lay out there amongst your comrades in arms uncle, your brethren. Now you are gone, and my fathers return from the grave,' Phelan contemplated these thoughts long and hard. In a whisper, “It all fits now uncle. Thank you for lighting the way, even if I didn't know this was what you were preparing me for.”

Scott heard a mumble of some sorts from the corporal at the window, making a shrug of the shoulders toward Kerskay who seemed equally confused.

Turning toward the Colonel, "so what now sir?" There was fire in those eyes. A deep and blazing inferno that not even this snowball of a planet could snuff out.

Offline Stormin'

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #23 on: February 11, 2009, 06:16:33 AM »
Well here I am, as promised.  Sorry I haven't posted earlier.  I kept reading part of it and then something would come up, then once back I had to reread it all over again, etc.

I think from an overall big picture, you are very adept at telling your story.  It is engaging and believable.  It certainly does a good job of explaining your association with the Hounds.  It makes me rethink my own storyline, or at least inspires me to put to paper what I had worked out in my head.

Some slight criticism, which I only add because I think that appears to be your purpose at this point.  I am something of a grammar and spelling snob, so sometimes it's hard to make it through long passages with those issues all the while trying to retain the point of the story.  You have a lot of "too"s that should be "to"s, plurals using the dreaded apostrophe ('s is possessive or a contraction for "is" or "has", not plural), a few incomplete sentences, some unneeded repetitition and the like.  Still some misspelling in there...I noticed you used "breadth" instead of "breath" a couple of times, plus a few other little things.  Basically it needs a good proofreading and a little polish.  That is all kind of normal stuff you would find in anyone's work.

Another thing I noted was that the dialogue did not seem believable...perhaps a bit expansive and formal.  It may just be that this would be a trait of your character's character, but from what I gather it is not...he seems more casual than that.  Maybe a little bit of an introvert.  I get the idea he is sort of the Hounds' resident kid turned mechwarrior, which might be a good point to play up to give more of a family feel to it, especially since family is such a big part of your story.

I particularly liked the small action part of Andrew and his group.  I think you described the imagery well.  You might need to go back and fluff out a couple of spots; one that is sticking in my mind is when he made his landing...it got half a sentence, "The landing successful without injury he quickly gathered the chute", which is a run on sentence too by the way.  I didn't expect it since you had described everything else in such detail, even down to the size and weight of the parachutes.  For some reason I was thinking he was dropping in power armor (hence why I was looking forward to the landing, lol), but a re-read of chapter 3 shows no mention of that...only reference to his "suit" and indicator lights in his helmet.  I still think it was power armor since you describe Savanah wanting to sleep in her suit.  Stopping in the middle to describe Sotai's background seemed a little out of place.  Perhaps you could just make light reference to his origins and mannerisms, as you have with the other two, and then go into more detail about Sotai's background in another chapter when it is more appropriate.

Well, careful what you wish for, haha.  I hope you don't take offense, I'm just particular when it comes to the written word and I'm sure that some of the other folks who would take the time to read the whole story might be too.  Again, storyline is compelling and believable, character development is decent, too.  It just needs a little spit and polish.

Hope that helps!  Thanks for sharing!


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Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #24 on: February 11, 2009, 07:26:49 AM »
Well here I am, as promised.  Sorry I haven't posted earlier.  I kept reading part of it and then something would come up, then once back I had to reread it all over again, etc.

I think from an overall big picture, you are very adept at telling your story.  It is engaging and believable.  It certainly does a good job of explaining your association with the Hounds.  It makes me rethink my own storyline, or at least inspires me to put to paper what I had worked out in my head.

Some slight criticism, which I only add because I think that appears to be your purpose at this point.  I am something of a grammar and spelling snob, so sometimes it's hard to make it through long passages with those issues all the while trying to retain the point of the story.  You have a lot of "too"s that should be "to"s, plurals using the dreaded apostrophe ('s is possessive or a contraction for "is" or "has", not plural), a few incomplete sentences, some unneeded repetitition and the like.  Still some misspelling in there...I noticed you used "breadth" instead of "breath" a couple of times, plus a few other little things.  Basically it needs a good proofreading and a little polish.  That is all kind of normal stuff you would find in anyone's work.

Another thing I noted was that the dialogue did not seem believable...perhaps a bit expansive and formal.  It may just be that this would be a trait of your character's character, but from what I gather it is not...he seems more casual than that.  Maybe a little bit of an introvert.  I get the idea he is sort of the Hounds' resident kid turned mechwarrior, which might be a good point to play up to give more of a family feel to it, especially since family is such a big part of your story.

I particularly liked the small action part of Andrew and his group.  I think you described the imagery well.  You might need to go back and fluff out a couple of spots; one that is sticking in my mind is when he made his landing...it got half a sentence, "The landing successful without injury he quickly gathered the chute", which is a run on sentence too by the way.  I didn't expect it since you had described everything else in such detail, even down to the size and weight of the parachutes.  For some reason I was thinking he was dropping in power armor (hence why I was looking forward to the landing, lol), but a re-read of chapter 3 shows no mention of that...only reference to his "suit" and indicator lights in his helmet.  I still think it was power armor since you describe Savanah wanting to sleep in her suit.  Stopping in the middle to describe Sotai's background seemed a little out of place.  Perhaps you could just make light reference to his origins and mannerisms, as you have with the other two, and then go into more detail about Sotai's background in another chapter when it is more appropriate.

Well, careful what you wish for, haha.  I hope you don't take offense, I'm just particular when it comes to the written word and I'm sure that some of the other folks who would take the time to read the whole story might be too.  Again, storyline is compelling and believable, character development is decent, too.  It just needs a little spit and polish.

Hope that helps!  Thanks for sharing!

Stormin,

I take no offense what so ever, and I was waiting for someone to come in here and bash me for the grammar issues. I recently have started to go through chapter 1-4 for such issues as the 'breadths' haha. My buddy 'Assassin' was going through and helping me correct all the stuff you mentioned, I'm hoping to get with him tomorrow and finish through the first four. I am notorious for putting the 'too' instead of 'to', you caught me, though I am trying to correct such bad habits!!

As far as dialogue you may be correct. I will sit down and go over things and see what I can come up with, I'm guessing you mainly mean chapter 4's dialogue correct? I was a little unsure of how to make Phelan, I guess he is allot like me. I think allot internally, though I'm not a introvert. Maybe with a re-thinking and changing things up I can get a solid foundation for how the character sounds.

Yeah I felt chapter 3 was solid, though like you said I didn't talk about the battle armor in detail. I will re-address the landing, going into detail of how the suits electronics/mechanics prevents the person from killing them self! The suits themselves will play a large role in the chapters too come, saving life's and taking them!!

Like I mentioned I'm taking all thoughts/opinions with a eraser and pencil in hand! I'm in the process of setting up my own website 'PK's Place' where I can make posts and so forth instead of swamping the forums here. My buddies are going to help with the difficult stuff, so it should be up in a week or so.

You mentioned your own storyline, I'd love to read it too be honest. I get inspired by others thoughts/opinions/ideas and of course work. Like I mentioned from the beginning, I am not an author of any books, so this will be my first story/book I've sat down to write. But I have enjoyed it thus far and it helps me use that imagination that so many of us are torn away from! If your interested in helping edit my work please let me know, I have a few buddies but they are not always available. Once I get done with the first four chapters, it would be easier after that due to doing one at a time. Thanks again, and look forward too hearing from you!

Phillip L.
aka PhelanJKell

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2009, 09:26:43 AM »
About the spelling, are contractions not part of Phelan Kell, or did he learn to speak without? Aka the clan way. I find writers who introduce flawed characters more believable than all characters with no faults in their way of speech. Of course people can adapt, but we all have our own habits or character traits in use of our mother language, let alone foreign languages.

Is it truly believable that all members of a fighting unit, even officers are all scholars of their own language. In my humble opinion, i would mirror the abilities of the people around my own person into the characters i would develop. Alas i have never tried to make my own story, even if i have many ideas rolling around in my brainpan.

PhelanJkell, keep on with your highly talented storyline. I will endeavor to read it all and comment when I take the time to make constructive criticism.
previously known as [KH]Guardian,
a merc without a home

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2009, 12:28:51 AM »
I'll try to help when I can, but I don't have a lot of time (like I said, I kept having to come back to finish reading everything).  Most of my spare time right now is devoted to trying to put the back end of Lance Command (http://www.lancecommand.com) together.

What I would recommend is approach it from an outline perspective.  Establish your chapters and the main points you want to address in each chapter.  Within each chapter, break it down into the main points within that chapter, and then within those point break it down again.  Keep doing it until you have an idea of what each paragraph entails.  Doing this makes it seem less overwhelming and will bring the story together more since each idea is written with the next in mind, plus it gives you a better idea of where certain selections may fit more appropriately into your story.  You may already be doing this; I just remember this direction from my creative writing classes back in college.

Have fun!


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Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #27 on: February 18, 2009, 11:51:33 PM »
With some help from friends, Spagunk, and my other buddy Assassin I've knocked out the grammer and flow issues in the first four chapters. Another buddy of mine, In3rtia helped create a website. I have got all the data entered, just need to find a host and domain for it. I will have some free time tonight and this weekend to start on chapter 5. I will post asap when I get the site up and running to see what you'll think.

Offline Sean Lang "Phil"

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #28 on: February 19, 2009, 07:13:08 AM »
Site is up, took me awhile to get this done. I need to get the forum/blog up and running and a few links corrected, but main chapters are on there for all to read. Please let me know what you think.

http://www.pksplace.org

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Re: A few words: Kell Hounds story
« Reply #29 on: February 23, 2009, 05:29:53 AM »
Another update. Got the site up and running, though it is only the first draft per say. The forums are now up and running, and I am hoping to start seeing some of you'll registering and hearing some critics and constructive criticism's! Thanks again and appreciate all the help!!


The site: http://www.pksplace.org

You can access the forums from the site or just by going here: http://www.pksplace.org/forums/