OK, so this is a bit old and a bit off-topic but you should read it.
I originally read it here:
http://www.netbattletech.com/hpguplink/viewtopic.php?t=6937&highlight=cbt+cows**********
CBT with Cows:
Star League-ism: You have two cows. A goat takes over the barn. One cow blows up the goat's home, then fights with the goat over the barn. The goat is killed. The fighting cow leaves the farm while the other cow proceeds to systematically nuke parts of the farm for the hell of it.
Rim Worlds-ism: You have two cows. They are nuked along with the rest of your nation because of what your goat did.
Outworlds-ism: You have two cows. They are pacifists who also happen to be ace fighter pilots. You are invaded by Combine cows. You slice off the heads of some of the cows and drop said heads on remaining Combine cows. You still are pacifists.
Taurian-ism: You have two cows. The cows openly carry nuclear weapons. No one messes with you because you will nuke their asses if they look at you sideways. OR Taurians: You have one cow. A long time ago you had two cows, but your neighbor, who has a bad habit of doing this, beat you up and took one of your cows. Ever since, you've been afraid that he'd come back for the other one. You have a grenade launcher on your porch. You have mines buried in your lawn. Your neighbors don't talk to you anymore. Life is good.
MoC-ism: You have two cows. One buys rank in your military, the other tours human space as a novelty in a "pleasure circus." OR Canopians: You have one cow. You spike its milk with alcohol, and sell it to your neighbors for lots of money. As a result, they all like you. You drink a lot of the milk yourself. Life is good.
FRR-ism: You fight for hundreds of years for freedom for your two cows. You win freedom for you and your cows. Your cows are subsequently made Bondscows to Clan Wolf and Clan Ghost Bear. Your life sucks.
St.Ives-ism: You have two cows. You commit treason. You and your cows are seen as good guys. You are also seen as an independent nation. Neither statement is true.
Free Worlds-ism: You have two cows. That's it. No one cares. OR Mariks: You have six cows. However, they all hate each other and often refuse to make milk. So you only get them to make as much milk as two cows. You use most of the money from this to fund your gun collection.
Lyran-ism: You have two cows. One starts a business and becomes insanely rich. The other buys rank in your military and subsequently loses three assault regiments and two worlds to a band of pirates in Locusts. OR Steiners: You have two cows. They make you plenty of money. You sell one to buy rank in the military. You then promptly lose a planet and two assault regiments to a pirate band equipped with nothing but UrbanMechs.
Draconis-ism: You have two cows. One charges a Smoke Jaguar Dire Wolf in a Phoenix Hawk. He dies honorably and quickly. The other refuses to charge and is ordered to slice open his belly to atone for dishonor and having a brain. You are messed up. OR Kuritas: You have two cows. They make milk on a very strict schedule. One day, your neighbor's cows outperform yours. You commit seppuku in order to cleanse yourself of shame.
Capellen-ism: You have two cows. Your Celestial Wisdom orders them to participate in cow wave attacks against the FedSuns. You still lose half your nation. OR Liaos: You have one cow. You used to have two cows, but you neighbor beat you up and took one. The cow you still have produces no milk. And it has three legs. And it's crazy.
Davion-ism: You have two cows. One joins the military and is hailed as a hero. The other sits on the impoverished farm. You don't care about the second cow. OR Davions: You have two cows, but you'd really like to have more. So you beat up your neighbor and take one of his cows. Now you have three cows. Life is good.
ComStar-ism: You have two cows. They are neutral in all things. You have swamp land in Florida to sell if I buy the neutral thing.
WoB-ism: You have two cows. They walk around in robes with math symbols. Everyone makes fun of the cows. The cows nuke everyone. OR Word of Blake: You have two cows (named Jerome and Demona) that you allow your neighbors to see. You have fifty more cows that you got from Marik, Liao and Canopus, hidden in various places. You are plotting to kill everyone else's cows. Life is bad, because other people besides you have cows.
Marian: You used to have no cows, but then you started wearing funny clothes and started stealing other people's cows. Some of the cows blew up your cows until the farmer was shot. Now a new farmer owns the farm, all your cows wear funny clothes, but you aren't sure the Wobblies will let you keep them. The cows are nervous.
FedCom-ism: You have two cows. One can't fight but is rich. One fights expertly, but is poor. Instead of working together, your cows blame each other for their faults and fight a war with each other.
Wolf-ism: You have two cows, distantly related. Both are ********, one has a good PR agent. They beat the crap out of each other and sit in opposite corners of the room, refusing to speak to each other.
Falcon-ism: You have two cows. One gets his entire Cluster killed by a guy with an physically impossible explosion. The other kills the best Mechwarrior in human space with a jump jet to the head. People can't decide if you are munchy or unlucky.
Jaguar-ism: You have two cows. Both are ******** who like to massacre civilians. You are surprised when everyone comes after your cows and blows them apart.
Ghost Bear-ism: You have two cows. You have good PR. Everyone sees the cows as nice. They ignore the fact the cows threaten massacres more often than the Jaguar cows.
Viper-ism: You have two cows. Both are super-elite. You exist to lose to the Falcon cows. Sorry.
Raven-ism: You have two cows. They can't fight their way out of a paper bag on the ground. Good thing you won't let anyone reach the ground.
Scorpion-ism: You have two cows. Both are stoned.
Cobra-ism: You have two cows. They are almost as messed up as the Scorpion cows, just without the drugs. What was that Marx said about religion being opium?
Nova Cat-ism: You have two cows. They see things more than the Scorpions do, without the drugs.
Adder-ism: You have two cows. They build an insane army and navy. They just sit there, doing nothing.
Coyote-ism: You have two cows. Both are perceived as losers. You build a lot of new equipment. You are still seen as losers.
Spirit-ism: You have two cows. They sit at home and talk to no one.
Mandrill-ism: You have two cows. They fight with each other more than with anyone else. People ignore you.
Shark-ism: You have two cows. Both are part of a warrior society that disdains everything else. Both cows still focus on money.
Horse-ism: You have two cows. They follow combined arms doctrine. People drop Inferno IV missiles on your cows and have ribs for a month
Hellion-ism: You have two cows. One has a temper tantrum and is ridiculed by all others. The other cow only fights to the first hit thinking that alone determines the victor, he is quickly destroyed by enemy cows.
MERC-ism: You have 2 cows, 1 steals from his employers, cheats on his contract, hide salvage and use loopholes to end their service early. The other cow picks up the contract, swears he wont default, does a good job but charges 3 times the price... both cows meet later and have a bar bee Q. OR Mercenary: People pay you money to beat up their neighbors and take their milk. Sometimes, they appreciate this so much that they give you a room in their house to stay in for free. Life is good.
Disposessed Mechwarrior-ism: You used to have a cow. You loved that ancient cow. It was a cow passed down from parent to child. By the time you got it, it was a patchwork cow, one horn had fallen off, a hoof always seem turned the wrong way, and it never could see very well out its left eye. Yet, when you lost it, your world evaporated. You need another cow. Until then, life is bad.
Pirate-ism: You had two cows. Now you have no cows. See? Should have invested more into anti-pirate cow defense.
